Alexa Bond Carter

I would create an app that emits a siren, and flashing lights, any time one of my bastard exes is in the same damn hemisphere. If Methos is in Seacouver? WHOOWHOOWHOO!!!

Blue light to go with his makeup from Horseman days. BOOM!

If Aramis is flitting around Los Angeles? WAAAAAAHWAAAAAAAHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Yellow lights and maybe some churchy music...BOOM!

And if Marcus Carterus Cassius Albifrickingbinus lands his happy ass in New York, or goes to make love to his artifact junk at that cabin in Canada? BOOMCHICKABOWWOW!

RED LIGHTS, BITCHES! My I Phone would shake like a whore in church. BOOM!

See...that's the key, ladies. You want to avoid your bad past choices in life? You need to just create an app that allows you to always stay half a planet away from them. Because you know what happens? I'll tell you...pay attention.

You are just going through life, happy as a clam. You go to a bar, or a jazz club? You are minding your own business, and then they show up with their great abs or puppy eyes...and pretty soon you are remembering all of the earth shattering sex that you had in hammocks or at Disneyland. Then you remember how much you loved them, how much of your heart they owned. And then, girls, you are screwed...literally and figuratively. Nope...

Much better to make that app. When I sober up, I am definitely going to do that.

But not tonight...tomorrow isn't looking good, either.